By Lori Milner: author, entrepreneur, thought leader and founder of Beyond the Dress
As women, as leaders, professionals, mothers, and wives, in all the roles we play as human beings, we need to finally get it through our heads that there really is no such thing as perfect. ‘Perfect’ is not only a total myth, it’s a deeply destructive and limiting myth.
There is immense satisfaction when we succeed in reaching the goals we set for ourselves and manage to turn our dreams and visions into reality. But perfection sets up targets that are utterly unattainable. When those goals and dreams and visions demand nothing short of absolute perfection, when we’re striving for something that doesn’t exist, we’re never going to achieve whatever it is that we think we want.
Because we often juggle many more roles than men do, we tend to trap ourselves in the notion that we need to be the perfect everything to everyone. We exhaust ourselves trying to achieve perfection in all spheres at work, at home, and in our personal lives. We compare ourselves to others who seem to have it all, flicking through magazines or scrolling through one perfect social media post after another, berating ourselves for not being good enough to somehow pull of this elusive ‘superwomandom’ too.
But those magazines are art directed. And those posts are just the highlight reels. Social media has provided a platform for selective posting. We only ever see people at their best and at their happiest. The enviable holidays, the shopping, the kids, the work accomplishments. No one ever posts about the hard days, the failures, or the vulnerable moments.
We need to understand on both a conscious and an unconscious level that perfection is neither real nor attainable. Ultimately, we need to call perfectionism for what it is. According to psychologist Albert Ellis the perfect picture we believe we should attain is fuelled by irrational beliefs. And “if something is irrational,” he says, “that means it won’t work.”
Once we release those beliefs and truly internalise that perfection is irrational, our level of self-acceptance and confidence increases incrementally.
We stop thinking that there must be something wrong with us, we stop doubting ourselves, feeling inadequate, and agonising over every smallest detail. We don’t start our sentences with mind sneakers like, “I should, I must” anymore, but instead say things like “I want to, I choose to”.
We start doing things that make us happy and give us purpose, we start realising that nobody’s looking at us through the microscopic lens we view ourselves, we start finding ourselves back in our own natural flow, defining our own version of success, and finally accept ourselves completely. Yes, flaws and all.
In letting go of irrational beliefs, one of the things we talk about in our workshops and in our book (Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman) is the technique of thought stopping. It’s literally 3 steps. When you find yourself going down that self-destructive path, stop that thought, challenge that thought, then choose another positive thought to replace it.
When we let go of perfection, life is suddenly so much more pleasurable and less agonising because we’re not holding ourselves to impossible ideals anymore. Another antidote to the perfection syndrome is practising gratitude. Instead of focusing on what we think we should be, we focus on what we have. It aligns our focus to the positive and is a powerful reminder of what we have already achieved, and of how capable we truly are.
Let’s no longer say, “I’ll be happy when it’s perfect.” Let’s embrace the “Done is better than perfect”. The best we can be or do or say right now, with all the tools, skills, knowledge, and time we have at this very moment… because it doesn’t get any better than that.
Here’s to Owning it!
Warm wishes,
Lori
LORI MILNER is the engaging facilitator, thought leader and mentor known for her insightful approach to being a modern corporate woman. Her brainchild, the successful initiative Beyond the Dress, is the embodiment of her passion to empower women. Beyond the Dress has worked with South Africa’s leading corporates and empowered hundreds of women with valuable insight on how to bridge the gap between work and personal life. Clients include Siemens, Massmart, Alexander Forbes, Life Healthcare Group, RMB Private Bank and Unilever to name a few. Lori has co-authored Own Your Space: The Toolkit for the Working Woman in conjunction with Nadia Bilchik, CNN Editorial Producer. Own Your Space provides practical tools and insights gleaned from workshops held around the world and from interviews with some of South Africa’s most accomplished women to provide you with tried-and-tested techniques, tips and advice to help you boost your career, enhance your confidence and truly own your space on every level. Own Your Space is the ultimate ‘toolkit’ to unleash your true power. It’s for the woman who wants to take her career to new heights and who is ready to fulfil her true potential.
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